The Monstrance Mash
This could be the dumbest thing the USCCB has ever done except for the other time they did exactly the same thing fifty years ago
“The most unreasonable things in the world become most reasonable, because of the unruliness of men.”
-Blaise Pascal, Pensees
“Here it is again, yet it stings like the first time/
Seems it never ends, double nickels on your dime”
-Saint Therese of Lisie Alkaline Trio
This is the story of a group of people getting into a political argument, saying something stupid that makes everyone hate them, trying unsuccessfully to backpedal, and then claiming that something completely different happened and spending $28,484,370.70 to try and make it look like their version of the story was correct, and then probably failing at that anyways. Now, obviously, you’re thinking “here we go again”. You’re saying to yourself, “Tony, you’ve told this story so many times, about somebody spending $28,484,370.70 in the desperate hope that people will forget the stupid things they obviously said during that political argument, stupid things that were the subject of international media attention and for which there is an exhaustive record. How many times are we going to have to read stories like this?" You may even be thinking "Tony, this happens to everyone in the Catholic church and you write about it every time. I myself just spent $28,484,370.70 last week to paper over a political argument that went sideways - as I often do - and I don't want to read a piece about someone else having the experience I just had." Well, hear me out: this time, I'm talking about the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops.
You probably already know the first part of this story: for the past year and change, the 273 members of the USCCB have been arguing about a still-unreleased teaching document on "Eucharistic consistency", which was supposed to outline the importance of the Eucharist, who's supposed to receive it, and how Joe Biden is not one of the people who is supposed to receive it. That sounds like an oversimplification, but that's actually what it was supposed to be. Shortly after the 2020 presidential election, USCCB president Archbishop Jose Gomez publicly expressed his concerns about president-elect Biden's views on abortion rights, saying:
"When politicians who profess the Catholic faith support [abortion rights], there are additional problems. Among other things, it creates confusion among the faithful about what the Catholic Church actually teaches on these questions."
Because of those concerns, Gomez created an ad hoc committee of bishops right after the election, officially called the "Committee On Engaging The New Administration". That committee was charged specifically with addressing how to engage Biden on abortion, and recommended writing the teaching document on the Eucharist to discuss whether politicians who didn’t support restrictions on abortion rights could receive the Eucharist at all. The original proposal for the document stated:
"The document will include the theological foundations for the church's discipline concerning the reception of Holy Communion and a special call for those Catholics who are cultural, political, or parochial leaders to witness to the faith."
During debate over the proposal at the USCCB’s June 2021 meeting, Bishop Liam Cary said that the document on Eucharistic consistency was badly needed because "we've never had a situation like this where the executive is a Catholic president who is opposed to a teaching of the church." During the same debate, Archbishop Joseph Naumann, chair of the USCCB's pro-life committee, added:
"It's not the bishops that have brought us to this point, it's really, I think, some of our public officials. Our president talks about [abortion] as a right. This is a Catholic president doing the most aggressive things we’ve ever seen on life at its most innocent."
Which, honestly, wasn't that surprising, because Naumann had been doing media hits throughout the first half of 2021, arguing for the necessity of this teaching document and saying things like this:
"Because President Biden is Catholic, it presents a unique problem for us. It can create confusion. ... How can he say he’s a devout Catholic and he’s doing these things that are contrary to the church’s teaching?"
If, for some reason, none of these are direct enough explanations for why the bishops were writing a document about the Eucharist, here's as direct as it gets: during the drafting of the document, in an interview with America’s Gloria Purvis, Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone clarified the purpose of the document by saying "I have to admit with all honesty that it was the election of President Biden that really spurred this.”
So, to recap: the USCCB president publicly stated he was worried about Joe Biden, so he convened a Joe Biden committee which recommended a Joe Biden document with a special Joe Biden section in it, which multiple bishops publicly argued in multiple media outlets was necessary in order to rebuke Joe Biden. As you can imagine, this brought the USCCB's two most persistent habits - "be an obvious lobbying arm of the Republican party" and "trip over your own dicks at the first opportunity and fail at your stated objectives" - into conflict.
This time, the latter habit won out. After a year of back-and-forth, of letters in parish bulletins, of cable news interviews with Catholic and secular media, of an especially heated June 2021 Zoom meeting for all 273 bishops, of an especially subdued November 2021 in-person meeting for all 273 bishops, the final document did not include that section on "discipline" and "public life", it was voted through with minimal debate, the bishops have already stated that they don't plan to submit it to the Vatican to get it approved as an official teaching document, the USCCB still hasn't published it anywhere on their website, and it appears that the bishops are really hoping that everyone will forget they ever brought up Joe Biden in the first place when talking about the Joe Biden document that originally had a Joe Biden section that was first recommended by the Joe Biden Committee after the USCCB president had said “we gotta do something about Joe Biden”. Here’s that USCCB president again in November 2021, after a year of all of this, in response to a press question about whether the teaching document was supposed to criticize Joe Biden:
"My understanding is that the intention of the document was not that. The intention of the document since the beginning was about educating Catholics about the real presence of Jesus in the Eucharist."
So how did he end up saying that the document was written for a completely different reason than the one he used to kick off this whole process in the first place? Is this gaslighting, brainwashing, despotism, a rewrite of history on par with George Orwell's 1984? No. All of that suggests a level of self-awareness and intelligence that none of the bishops possess. What actually happened over the past year is perhaps best summarized by this excerpt from the comic strip Achewood:
The USCCB got a lot of media attention during the year-long debate, and an awful lot of it was negative. They didn't like seeing all the "bishops declare war on Biden" headlines or any of the backlash that followed. A lot of Catholics remembered how the bishops treated Donald Trump, knew obvious partisan bullshit when they saw it, and called the bishops out publicly on it. The bishops may not have cared very much what Catholics in the pews thought, but they definitely cared about the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith and their Apostolic Nuncio from the Vatican, who also publicly called them out and warned them against using the Eucharist for partisan purposes. So they bishops got yelled at, and they didn’t like it. But they also didn’t want to admit that they didn’t like getting yelled at, so they had to keep writing the document and make it about something. And Gomez gestured to that something in the quote above: it’s all about educating all Catholics on the Eucharist! We're just about getting everyone excited for the Eucharist! That's why we wrote the thing! It was always about that, we barely know who Joe Biden is! This was never about partisan politics! We just want everyone to do more non-partisan Eucharist stuff, hey have you heard about the big Eucharist party we're throwing in 2024?
That brings us to the $28,484,370.70, and the 2024 Eucharistic Congress. As part of a broader multi-year plan for educating the American church on the theology of the Eucharist - a plan structured around five strategic pillars, in what I assume is a friendly ‘tip-of-the-hat’ to Islam - the USCCB is planning a mass gathering of tens of thousands of Catholics for catechesis, adoration, and Mass; Eucharistic Congresses happen around the world every five years or so, and this time around, the States are due to host. At the same November meeting where they finalized their not-Biden document, the bishops saw a whole PowerPoint proposal for the 2024 Congress that talked through the “deliverables” and other unbearable corporate-speak, and then, midway through the presentation, the bishops got the big reveal of the location of the Eucharistic Congress, a city with the prestige, history, culture, and stunning beauty worthy to welcome the Body of Christ:
Yes, try to contain your ecstasy and refrain from speaking in tongues at the sight of our italicized-and-Papyrus-font-ed announcement. The bishops are coming to Indianapolis - or, to use its original name, “Bad Chicago” - an archdiocese most recently famous for trying to shove all of their gay and transgender students into conversion therapy. In all seriousness, Indianapolis is generally a lovely city - grab some chili cheese etouffee at Yats on Mass Ave and maybe stop by the Kurt Vonnegut Museum and Library if you get a chance - and the PowerPoint shared at the USCCB meeting explained how Indy has more hotel rooms connected by enclosed skyways than any other place in America, and how LucasOil Stadium was named “Best Stadium in America” by Stadium Journey Magazine, making the Circle City the perfect venue for the climax of our Eucharistic revival, where the bishops will reignite our love for the Eucharist while charging us a mere $300 each to help cover costs. Also, here are those costs as presented to the bishops in November:
The slide explaining that the Eucharistic Congress was going to cost $28,484,370.70 raised some eyebrows among the bishops during their November conference; at least a few of them had to be thinking of better things the church could spend that much money on and landing on “basically anything else”. I’m also curious why the entertainment budget is $650,000 but the total food and beverage cost is only $375,000, which suggests either that the entertainment is going to be amazing, or the food is going to be terrible.
But this is all to say: the bishops are planning a big Eucharistic party, they’ve been sketching it out since before this whole Biden kerfuffle, it’s an opportunity to do something that celebrates Catholicism while being non-partisan, and hopefully people will forget the one obviously partisan thing they spent a whole year on if they spin that partisan thing as actually being part of this larger project, and there’s no way that the 2024 Eucharistic Congress could possibly become a partisan undertaking.
Except for something that maybe should cross somebody’s mind: the Eucharistic Congress is going to be in 2024, which is a presidential election year, and I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that the election will be somewhat contentious and consume the national media’s attention for months, and that by July 2024, multiple bishops will have already made public statements on which candidates Catholics are supposed to vote for. Some of the bishops thought the last election was corrupted by widespread coordinated voter fraud and ultimately stolen from Donald Trump, and said so publicly. Then, those bishops spent the past year grabbing whatever megaphone they could to criticize and try to literally excommunicate the sitting Catholic president. Then, those bishops all had to agree to pretend they never did that. Now, those same guys are putting this event together, for an audience that presumably likes them and agrees with most of what they say, in a red state, four months before a presidential election. And it’s not hard to imagine an event like this turning into a de facto rally for the Republican presidential candidate who will absolutely be interested in winning Catholic votes.
And we all know who the most likely 2024 Republican presidential candidate is right now. It’s the same guy who also elbowed his way into giving a keynote at the March For Life and got the bishops to nod along at a campaign event while he declared himself the greatest president in the history of the Catholic church and still has right-wing Catholic media dazzled by his piety and begging him to convert to Catholicism. Is it at all difficult for you to imagine Donald Trump giving a campaign speech as a keynote address at the 2024 Eucharistic Congress, perhaps repeating his earlier exhortation to the pilgrim church on Earth that “what a similarity we have and how the other side is the exact opposite of what you’re wanting so I guess it’s an important thing to remember”?
I realize that what I’m saying is far-fetched. The idea of a Republican presidential candidate - one who isn’t even Catholic - using the upcoming Eucharistic Congress to give a campaign speech, is far too crass and cynical and idiotic to ever happen. So let’s look at the time that exact thing already literally happened:
That’s Gerald Ford giving an address to the 1976 Eucharistic Congress in Philadelphia, as he was campaigning for re-election. I mean, he didn’t say he was campaigning for re-election, but he was a presidential candidate, actually the first Republican presidential candidate after Roe v. Wade got decided, and he did just kind of happen to bring up how pro-life he was - even before that political term was really invented - you know, just in case that was something that Catholics might be interested in three months before election day?
“[The Catholic church] has been a vital institution for protecting and proclaiming the ultimate values of life itself. We are rightly concerned today about the rising tide of secularism across the world. I share your deep apprehension about the increased irreverence for life.”
It doesn’t have the same punch as Donald Trump speaking forty-four years later at the 2020 March for Life, but it’s not actually that different in terms of the underlying message:
“Sadly, the far left is working to erase our God-given rights, shut down faith-based charities, ban religious leaders from the public square, and silence Americans who believe in the sanctity of life. They are coming after me because I am fighting for you.”
Of course, Donald Trump being Donald Trump, he used his 2020 March for Life speech to ramble through all sorts of Republican talking points, like religious liberty and freedom of conscience:
“We have taken decisive action to protect the religious liberty – so important – religious liberty has been under attack all over the world and frankly, very strongly attacked in our nation.”
Trump also talked about the importance of small government and traditional family structures, again to remind his audience how much they had in common as they approached the upcoming election:
“At the United Nations, I made clear that global bureaucrats have no business attacking the sovereignty of nations that protect innocent life. Unborn children have never had a stronger defender in the White House…And to all the moms here today, we celebrate you and we declare that mothers are heroes. Your strength, devotion, and drive is what powers our nation. Because of you, our country has been blessed with amazing souls who have changed the course of human history.”
See, that’s the kind of speech you give in an election year when you’re drumming up votes from the religious right, and that’s probably not what Gerald Ford would have done in 1976. Ford wouldn’t be considered a big social conservative by today’s standards, he wasn’t just going to cynically use his Eucharistic Congress speech to push Republican talking points on traditional family structures and small government-
“Our commitment to the unique role of the family relationship is also basic to our faith. There are no adequate substitutes for father, mother, and children, bound together in a loving commitment to nurture and protect. No government, no matter how well intentioned, can ever take the place of those things.”
Okay, maybe he said that, but he certainly wasn’t talking about “religious liberty” or “freedom of conscience” at all, that’s a fairly recent development in conservative talking points-
“That reliance [on the protection of divine providence] has never failed us, and has been reinforced by the equally firm devotion of Americans to freedom of worship and freedom of conscience for all who have come to us through the centuries. These fundamental freedoms are not only written into our constitution and our laws, but they are written on our hearts as well.”
Here’s the thing: if you’re worried that something stupid is about to happen in the Catholic church, you should always check and see if it also happened several decades ago. I was obviously joking at the beginning of this piece: I don’t actually tell very many stories about people spending $28,484,370.70 to try and re-frame a past mistake. But I do tell an awful lot of stories about the church doing something stupid that repeats a stupid thing they’ve already done, then trying not to screw it up and screwing up even worse as a result, and eventually falling ass backwards into reactionary politics. And it sure looks like this is on track to become one of those stories.
But maybe I’m wrong, and maybe the bishops won’t let the 2024 Eucharistic Congress become something nakedly political that embraces the Republican party. Just like the bishops would never speak at a Stop the Steal rally. Just like the bishops would never take time out of a Mass to wish Melania Trump a happy birthday when she wasn't even there. Just like the bishops would never present Bill Barr with an award in the middle of a federal execution spree. Just like the bishops would never refuse to get vaccinated out of political spite. Just like the bishops would never spend a year publicly arguing about Joe Biden. And just like the bishops would never give the guy who pardoned Nixon a platform at the Eucharistic Congress to speak in front of thousands of potential voters and explain all the things he had in common with them.
Maybe my exact version of events isn’t going to play out - a lot of crazy stuff can happen between now and then - but I feel pretty confident that the bishops are about to do something terrible and dumb with this Eucharistic Congress. And whenever the bishops are about to do something terrible and dumb, something unbelievably stupid and ignorant and hurtful and miserable and small, I used to say things like “how could they” or “that’s so hypocritical” or “I don’t understand how this could happen”. And I’ve told enough of these stories now to know that there’s only one correct thing to say when the bishops are about to do something terrible and dumb:
Here we go again.
Grift of the Holy Spirit is a series by Tony Ginocchio detailing stories of the weirdest, dumbest, and saddest members of the Catholic church. You can subscribe via Substack to get notified of new installments.
Sources used for this piece include:
Conklin, Audrey. “Catholic Bishops Could Consider Whether Biden Should Receive Communion.” Fox News, Fox News, 29 Apr. 2021, https://www-foxnews-com.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/www.foxnews.com/politics/catholic-bishops-biden-communion.amp?amp_js_v=a6&_gsa=1&usqp=mq331AQKKAFQArABIIACAw%3D%3D#aoh=16415017779406&referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&_tf=From%20%251%24s&share=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.foxnews.com%2Fpolitics%2Fcatholic-bishops-biden-communion.
Cozzens, Bishop Andrew. “National Eucharistic Revival - ‘My Flesh for the Life of the World.’” USCCB, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Nov. 2021, https://www.usccb.org/resources/national-eucharistic-revival-my-flesh-life-world-bishop-andrew-cozzens.
Cozzens, Bishop Andrew. “National Eucharistic Revival Flier.” USCCB, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Nov. 2021, https://www.usccb.org/resources/national-eucharistic-revival-flier.
Editorial Staff. “Editorial: US Bishops' Eucharist Document Has Always Been about Biden.” National Catholic Reporter, National Catholic Reporter, 8 Nov. 2021, https://www.ncronline.org/news/opinion/editorial-us-bishops-eucharist-document-has-always-been-about-biden.
Ford, Gerald R. “Remarks to the 41st International Eucharistic Congress, Philadelphia.” Gerald R. Ford Presidential Library, 8 Aug. 1976, https://www.fordlibrarymuseum.gov/library/document/0122/1253001.pdf.
Fraga, Brian, and Joshua J. McElwee. “After Year of Divisive Debate, US Bishops Approve Tepid Document on Communion.” National Catholic Reporter, 17 Nov. 2021, https://www.ncronline.org/news/people/after-year-divisive-debate-us-bishops-approve-tepid-document-communion.
Jenkins, Jack, et al. “What Catholic Bishops Are Actually Saying about Denying Communion to Politicians.” National Catholic Reporter, Religion News Service, 15 June 2021, https://www.ncronline.org/news/people/what-catholic-bishops-are-actually-saying-about-denying-communion-politicians.
LifeSite. “Full Text: President Trump's Historic 2020 March for Life Speech.” LifeSiteNews, 24 Jan. 2020, https://www.lifesitenews.com/news/full-text-trumps-2020-march-for-life-speech/.
O'Loughlin, Michael J. “Debate over the Eucharist and pro-Choice Politicians Ends in a Whimper at Bishops' Meeting.” America Magazine, 18 Nov. 2021, https://www.americamagazine.org/faith/2021/11/17/usccb-eucharist-document-baltimore-241865.
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“USCCB Memo on Eucharistic Coherence 5/22/2021.” Scribd, Pillar Media, 22 May 2021, https://www.scribd.com/document/509294305/Pillar-Media-USCCB-Memo-on-Eucharistic-coherence-5-22-2021.
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White, Christopher. “Bishops' Conference Walks Back Mixed Messaging on Communion and Catholic Politicians.” National Catholic Reporter, National Catholic Reporter, 25 June 2021, https://www.ncronline.org/news/people/bishops-conference-walks-back-mixed-messaging-communion-and-catholic-politicians.
White, Christopher. “Bishops' Working Group on Biden Operates in the Shadows, Excludes His Local Bishops.” National Catholic Reporter, 29 Jan. 2021, https://www.ncronline.org/news/politics/bishops-working-group-biden-operates-shadows-excludes-his-local-bishops.
White, Christopher. “US Bishops Issue Warning to President-Elect Joe Biden on Abortion.” National Catholic Reporter, National Catholic Reporter, 17 Nov. 2020, https://www.ncronline.org/news/politics/us-bishops-issue-warning-president-elect-joe-biden-abortion.