Things Not Included in the $795 Price Tag For Bishop Robert Barron's Upcoming Annual "Wonder Conference"

Hit it like hit it like rom pom pom pom get it hot get it hot like Papa John

Travel to and from Rochester, Minnesota.

Accommodations near the Mayo Civic Center.

Breakfast and lunch during either day of the conference, which are explicitly excluded on the conference’s website.

The chance to sit at a table with a Black person.

During a conference titled “Nature and the Human Body”, any discussion about trans people that doesn't include the phrase “plot to mutilate our children”.

Bishop Barron’s rationalization on why the best thing for gay couples is death from exposure. Although, Love Means More is listed as a sponsor! Hey, wait, that’s an organ of the USCCB, it’s run by the committee on Laity, Marriage, and Family Life, which Barron chairs. Wait, that would mean that Barron is taking the USCCB funds from the conference he chairs and is using those funds to pay for the conference that his personal apostolate and website is putting on. Eh, that’s probably fine.

A reliable promise that you will not receive any weird touchy hugs from any seminarians during the course of the weekend.

Even one live performance by Olivia Rodrigo, and you could have easily gotten Guts Tour tickets for $800 when she came to your town and even gotten a Chappell Roan show for free if you were on the leg where she was the opener. Hell, you could have gone to the Eras Tour with that money. Like, yeah, probably nosebleeds, upper deck for sure, but you could have gotten in.

Enough time in the evening to run to the hotel bar and try to seduce a rich Saudi who flew into town for a colonoscopy.

While attendees will “become confident in debunking the myth that Faith and Science are at odds”, no similar confidence that it is not, in fact, the year 1657.

Any snack or dinner food that isn't heavily fried since Barron picked the catering menu himself. Look, I know he's not actually fat, okay? I know that. It's just an easy joke to make because he has a round face. He's like Amy Schumer in that regard. He's also like Amy Schumer in that the quality of his work has been dropping precipitously since 2014.

The chance to propose a better name for the event than the “Wonder Conference”.

An explanation for why Barron recently wrote an op-ed for CNN explaining how much he loves Bill Maher. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? Why is this my own personal Lathe of Heaven? How is he just a G.O.T.H.S. essay that has somehow come to life? How is there anything left that I can possibly say about Robert Barron that makes him look like more of a dim callous ignorant dipshit that represents everything bad about the global church’s engagement with the world through new media? Oh I guess I can just make fun of the conference where you have to pay seven hundred and ninety five goddam dollars to hear a professor whine about trans people or AI or some shit and you don’t even get lunch.

Any advance previews of the First Annual G.O.T.H.S. Conference, coming to Chicago in 2025 for the low low cost of $794.