The Dang Ass Pope
The first supreme pontiff in history that might actually know the Slapstick Family Tree
In a breaking news development engineered specifically for this blog, the Dang Ass Pope is from Chicago. Robert Prevost, now Leo XIV, was born at Mercy Hospital on 25th Street and presumably has eaten at Superdawg Drive-In at least once. I actually once wrote briefly about Prevost’s 2000 mishandling of an abuse case, but that’s the only time I’ve really touched on his career at all, I don’t actually know much about the man who could become the first cleric in history to transubstantiate a bottle of Green River, or, depending on the size of the congregation, a couple two three bottles. His papal name pick is cool - Leo XIII, of course, wrote Rerum Novarum which essentially started the contemporary era of Catholic social teaching - and in his brief opening address he said some good things. He clearly plans to carry on the synodal focus set up by Pope Francis, and he hit the word “peace” several times in that speech (including at the very top), and I hope that’s telling because we need a strong voice for peace on the world stage.
I will be honest: I was not planning to write about the papal election this quickly, because I knew that whoever the new Pope was, I was basically going to know nothing about him and nobody needed to hear my rushed-out views on a guy I don’t know. But I do have a lot of Chicago references which I’m more than happy to rush out, and hey one thing I know about this Pope is that he likely grew up watching Bozo’s Circus, hell he may have been on Bozo’s Circus at some point, somebody dig around for that footage see if he got the ball in bucket six and scored that crisp hundred dollar bill. Through his career in Chicago, Peru, and the Vatican, he came to know the plight of the poor and marginalized, he came to know the levers of power in the curia, and he came to know that the Kennedy gets all fucked up after Montrose; this all portends well for a church that gets stuff done and goes out into the world and energizes the people of God, hopefully by taking the Metra UP-NW or CTA blue line instead of a car.
So today was kind of exciting in its own way, an exciting day for Catholics and an exciting day for Chicago. Who knows what’s going to happen next, Leo XIV is going to change the job, the job is going to change him, and we here in the rest of the church are going to keep changing with him too. I’m a different Catholic than I was before Francis’ papacy started, and you are, too. Sometimes I was very moved by Francis’ words and deeds, sometimes I was unbelievably pissed at him, but I’m thankful for how I’ve changed, and though I will almost certainly be unbelievably pissed at the new guy at some point in the future, I am thankful for how I will change as a Catholic under him, too. Of course, some things will never change, like the love God has for all people, as Leo XIV said in his opening speech. Or, he left this one out of his speech, but another thing that will never change is that Johnnies in Elmwood Park has the best beef sandwich and Italian ices in the area, and make sure you order the ices with no lids because then they can jam extra ice in there for you.
We should all pray for the new Pope and pray for the church, though, pray that he - and us under his leadership - can be a prophetic voice in a world suffering from war and climate change and authoritarian governments. It’s also fun to imagine that Chicago will someday have a Pope Leo XIV high school, especially since we already have a Pope Leo XIII high school right now. At the very least, I try not to imagine a world where Chicago hates him so much that we name the godawful widely hated central highway interchange after him, which is literally what we did to Mayor Jane Byrne.
One final note: I found this homily that Prevost gave in 2016, and it’s pretty powerful. As we pray for him and the church, let’s all take these words to heart: