The 2021 G.O.T.H.S. Holiday Grift Guide
Your Catholic guide to stupid bullshit you can buy on Facebook
I write these goofy little essays because I like to write about Catholicism, and Catholicism's unique culture and the distorted reflection it provides for American culture, and why Catholicism is the way it is in this very strange era, but I also started writing them because it's fun to learn about people trying to make money but maybe aren't especially good at it. The original subjects of G.O.T.H.S. founded half-assed universities, sold red hats, recorded country albums, wrote terrible books, anchored terrible local access shows, made terrible propaganda movies, and threw themselves into all sorts of stupid moneymaking endeavors. They were fun stories to learn about and to share with others.
But with only 26 or so shopping days left until Christmas, I wanted to take a look at the up-and-comers, the Catholics launching new merch businesses today, in case you needed any last-minute gifts for the Catholics in your life. To find these companies, I used a detailed and exhaustive research method: I just clicked on every ad for Catholic bullshit I saw on Facebook so I’d keep getting more of them, and then I clicked on those too, and then I read their websites. I then eliminated SockReligious, the only sock website that rabbis have asked to “please stop selling socks with concentration camp guard towers on them”, because they are already covered in this very good piece about the bizarre trend of Saint Maximilian Kolbe merch.
So, here are eight other vendors that you can find out there today, evaluated by their most and least expensive offerings, overall marketing proposition, fit as a gift for the Catholic people in your life, and level of adorable pun in the company name.
OREMOOSE
Is the name an adorable pun? Yes.
Their Whole Thing: OreMoose is a leatherworking business founded about a year ago by an ex-seminarian. They specialize in covers and cases for your bible and other Catholic paraphernalia, with each leather variety named after a different game animal. As they put it on their website:
"OréMoose is not merely a leatherwork factory, but a philosophy of Catholic art. “Clothing the Word” is certainly an analogy for making leather covers for books: making little tuxedos for the Word of God. But the analogy goes much deeper."
Little tuxedos, I guess that's cute, I certainly hope when the analogy goes much deeper it doesn't get unbelievably strange!
"Clothing the Word means clothing Jesus, the Word of God. And one only clothes what is naked. Do we clothe the Word to improve the Word? No. Do we clothe a person to improve them? By no means! Nakedness, on the contrary, is the most sacred of states a human can be in. Nakedness is found in the most innocent, the guiltiest, the most intimate, and the most humiliating circumstances in life. Nakedness is powerful like that. It is so strong that it can even make something difficult to receive: the naked body, the naked truth. It is strong like the sun and can be too strong for us though the sun brings life and death…so too does the Word of God need to be clothed in different eras to different cultures. This is so that the nakedness of the Word of God, which is appropriate at the culmination of consummation, like a wedding night, can be received at the most beautiful and opportune time."
Most expensive item: The most expensive single item is the $175 "Rustic Satchel", in which you can hide the severed head of the wife you murdered after delivering a long monologue about the proper contexts of nakedness.
Least expensive item: Rosary pouches retail for $34.99 and measure 2.5"x3.5", also making them the perfect size for safely transporting an unopened Magic: The Gathering draft booster pack.
Perfect for: Actor Nick Offerman of television's Parks and Recreation, who was raised Catholic, although I don't know if he still practices and it's unlikely you know him well enough to buy him a Christmas gift.
Do They Support Any Horrifying Causes? It does not appear that they do, although some of their other Minnesota-based partners listed on their site have their own online endeavors which seem very dorky, including a YouTube show called "Pope Culture".
I'm not sure what the Catholic lesson of The Santa Clause is; the stated lesson of the movie is that if you accidentally murder Santa, you are obligated to become him.
CHEWSLIFE
Is the name an adorable pun? Yes.
Their Whole Thing: Look, these people seem perfectly nice and I’m not going to make fun of them too much, they make bracelets and rosaries for nursing moms with a nice little “bookmark charm” on the bracelet so you can keep your place between late-night nursing sessions. In recent years, they’ve introduced chew-proof silicone rosaries for your little ones who want to associate the Glory Be with the general sensation of gnawing.
Most expensive item: ChewsLife is one of the few vendors I cover in this piece where the price points do not push up to truly absurd levels. The most expensive item appears to be a $50 rosary, and while I still think that’s too much to pay for something you can pick up for free in your parish vestibule, I’m sure there’s an audience for that.
Least expensive item: ChewsLife offers several small baby accessories like crib shoes and little pouches you can zip things in, and as hard as it is to make fun of stuff for adorable babies, two items give me pause. The first is the silicone bibs that makes your baby look like Mother Teresa or a priest, which does feel like it puts a lot of pressure on your baby to grow up and do something pretty impressive:
And then the other is the tiny Saint Joseph you can clip to your child’s pacifier, because every child, while sucking to soothe themselves, loves to see a tiny man with a tool belt just hanging out right outside their mouth:
Perfect for: Your idiot kid who keeps getting into the rosary collection and eating the damn things.
Do They Support Any Horrifying Causes? No, again, they seem perfectly nice, and looking at the masthead makes me feel like I just restocked the wine at Trader Joe’s and seven white ladies from Michigan are all saying “uh-oh, just restocked, haha looks like I came at just the right time!” in unison:
SAINTMAKER PLANNER
Is the name an adorable pun? No, and it also runs the risk of setting the expectations for the product unbelievably high.
Their Whole Thing:
"With a diverse professional background in digital media and manufacturing, Nathan initially developed The Saintmaker for personal use to help him grow in the many facets of a rich Catholic life while continuing to succeed professionally. Nathan has studied systems for personal effectiveness and psychology for much of his adult life. The Saintmaker collects all of the best methods, strategies, and tactics in one place—all centered around living a life in imitation of the saints. The Saintmaker draws on the lives of the saints, innumerable Catholic sources, traditional books, and Church documents to dig up all-but-forgotten traditions, devotions, ascetic practices, herbal lore, Christian recipes, and much, much more."
In an effort to better integrate the lives of the faithful into the rhythms of the church, a digital media turd-person has developed the most fiendishly complicated day planning system of all time, requiring a multi-week tutorial video series and over a thousand pages of day-planning per year. The PDF user guide is thirty pages long, compared to the more standard "zero pages long" user guides for every single other day planner. For those seeking a day planner to simplify their lives, they may want to pass on this one. For those seeking a day planner that will somehow swallow every waking second of their lives, this has potential.
Most expensive item: The Saintmaker itself - really the only product offered on the site - is over 300 pages long, costs $50, and only covers you for three months. Yeah! They're trying to hook you for four day planners every year! $200 on day planners! 1200 pages! I don't think I've spent that much on books this year, let alone day planners!
They also recommend erasable gel pens in case you're afraid of making a mistake, writing that:
"We recommend you try the Pilot Frixion Erasable Gel Pens. They are amazing. Please note, however, that if you leave your planner in the sun and it gets too warm, the ink will disappear."
Writing in "ink that disappears when it's sunny out" does help drive home the ultimate utility of spending $200 on a 1200-page day planner that needs a dozen Tim-and-Eric-Cinco-ads-but-unironic videos to comprehend.
Least expensive item: If you subscribe for a full year of four planners, they'll knock $20 off the bill so you're only paying $180 total for the year, compared to the $14.99 you'd spend for a day planner at Office Depot.
Perfect for: One has to think that if Dorothy Day had merely used the right kind of day planner, she'd be further along in the canonization process by now.
Do They Support Any Horrifying Causes? Supporting a digital marketing turd is always horrifying, of course. Saintmaker creator Nathan Meffert appears to be a fan of the traditional Latin Mass, which is not a bad thing by itself, and he appears to be plugging his planner business on far-right Catholic podcasts that don't think vaccines are real, which is a bad thing by itself.
THE CATHOLIC CARD GAME
Is the name an adorable pun? No, it's incredibly half-assed. Cards Against Venality. Cards Across Divinity. There, came up with those in ten seconds. You can have them for free.
Their Whole Thing: "While other party games make you feel like you need Confession after playing and other Catholic products are either too childish or too academic, the Catholic Card Game provides clean entertainment without sacrificing quality or fun." Look, this is one of about 10,000 Cards Against Humanity knockoffs - I once got a Shakespeare-themed one as a gift called Bards Dispense Profanity - that tried to leverage the card-game craze of the 2010s. As card games were relatively low-cost to create and ship, and as Millennials were too old and too poor to regularly go to bars and needed something else to do while drinking, everyone tried to get a piece of the action and Catholics were no exception. So we got a card game about the "unique things we do as Catholics"; the two examples of these unique things given on the website were "the Bible" and "tradition", objectively the two least unique elements of Catholicism.
Most expensive item: CCG's catalog of products is very limited, so with the current promotions, you can buy the core game and five expansion packs for a total of $51. But if you're okay with a version of the game written in sharpie marker on a stack of index cards, I will sell you my personally-designed Catholic Card Game for $49.99, do not play it with your children.
Least expensive item: They offer several expansion packs, including one on Natural Family Planning. To be fair, Catholic blogger Simcha Fisher contributed to it and I actually think she's good at what she does (although it appears she wrote it while drunk), but guys, don't play a goddamn card game about how you and your wife can only do mouth stuff between the 12th and 20th of each month. What is your friend group like?
Perfect for: Your friend who just had her tenth kid and is ready to laugh again!
Do They Support Any Horrifying Causes? No, they don't look like they support any causes beyond just selling copies of this game, which is less horrifying than it is just dumb.
CATHOLIC COFFEE
Is the name an adorable pun? Technically no but they get partial credit for the slogan "grounded in faith".
Their Whole Thing: "Be inspired by the lives of the saints and energized by our coffee. We combine each of our delicious roasts with a special saint, making each one unique and special for any coffee lover." Now, the design/iconography on the bags is good, and some of the saint/coffee pairings are somewhat clever: Our Lady Of Guadalupe is a Mexican Mocha, Saint Patrick is an Irish Creme flavor, and Sleeping Saint Joseph is decaf. They also have a blog post explaining how to bring the coffee into your prayer routine, roughly 750 words that amount to "make coffee, then drink it, then pray", so it's possible they're a little hungry for stuff to blog about.
Most expensive item: Gift sets, containing two bags of coffee and two insulated tumblers, retail for $96.95.
Least expensive item: Each individual bag of coffee retails for $14.95, but a pack of three prayer cards to one of the featured saints retails for $2.95, which is perfect if you like the Catholic Coffee brand and iconography but don't much care for their actual coffee.
Perfect for: The high-powered Catholic Girlboss in your life. Just kidding, there was only one Catholic Girlboss, her name was Joan of Arc, and she was roasted alive, much like the delicious Honduran beans in the Joan of Arc French Blend that you can now incorporate into your morning routine and prayer life.
Do They Support Any Horrifying Causes? I don't know, man. They're giving some of their proceeds to the US Archdiocese of the Military, and it's nice to make sure Catholic chaplains are bringing the sacraments to servicemen and -women, I guess, but the archbishop for the military, Timothy Broglio, appears to fully support allowing members of the military to refuse the COVID vaccine, so I don't know if I really want to funnel my coffee money to his particular project.
RUGGED ROSARIES
Is the name an adorable pun? No.
Their Whole Thing: Are you tired of your rosary coming with a free TAMPON? Because it's for a WOMAN? A woman on her PERIOD? A period where she's bleeding out her VAGINA? Try RUGGED ROSARIES, a rosary for MEN. Men with DICKS. Dicks that PISS. If all of this seems eerily familiar to you, it's probably because former G.O.T.H.S. subject Rick Heilman makes a very similar product with an identical marketing pitch in the "combat rosary". Rugged Rosaries appears to predate Heilman's business venture by at least a few years, and also makes a Combat Rosary, in the same gunmetal color that Heilman offered, based on the same WWI dogtag rosary that Heilman based his on, and I'm starting to wonder just how original Heilman's idea ever was in the first place. Also RR's version is like $20 cheaper than Heilman's. While Heilman was the rosary supplier for the Swiss Guard at the Vatican, RR appears to be the rosary supplier for the Knights of Columbus, which is the official organization of men who say “yeah I probably could have been in the Swiss Guard at the Vatican but I had a football injury in high school.”
Most expensive item: The "ancient bronze" paracord rosary retails for $64.99 and includes a handmade cross. I am not the target audience for handcrafted artisan rosaries; again, the plastic ones you can get for free in the vestibule of your parish will get the job done for me when I need to pray the rosary. That said, these are good-looking designs and I can understand the appeal.
Least expensive item: The RR fan stickers are only $2.50 but they're currently out of stock, so you have to wait to show everyone looking at the back of your laptop how much you love the Rugged Rosary brand profile.
Most goth item: They made a "Memento Mori" rosary with little skulls on it so you can bring it with you to an Alkaline Trio concert or midnight screening of Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas. I'm not about to drop 40 bucks on this but it's honestly a pretty cool design.
Perfect for: Catholic fans of Alkaline Trio, so basically anyone from the northwest Chicago suburbs that was born after 1985. (EDIT: my emo friend/comedy partner Nadia also says this would be perfect for her and has asked me to update the post)
Do They Support Any Horrifying Causes? If you want a combat rosary, you are in the unfortunate position of having to support either Rick Heilman or the Knights of Columbus, a choice which I would only trust to a well-formed conscience.
SPIRITUAL WARRIORS COUTURE
Is the name an adorable pun? No.
Their Whole Thing: No idea what the hell is going on here. This is obviously an expensive line of clothing and accessories decorated with images of the saints, but this line, owned by Venxara, is just sold alongside other non-Catholic lines, so you can have a one-stop shop for handbags decorated with either "horses" or "Saint Dymphna".
Most expensive item: Lock in your holidays order now because we've got supply chain issues: it's the $120 micro-mink plaid cloak with the giant Therese of Lisieux on the back. If you prefer a leopard print and Joan of Arc instead, that option is also available.
Least expensive item: SWC, like another one of our featured vendors, sells saint-themed coffee, and you can score a pound of the Saint Michael the Archangel Colombian for just $22.
Perfect for: Abby Johnson to wear to her eventual sedition trial.
Do They Support Any Horrifying Causes? They don't appear to support any causes, and while I think that's better than supporting a horrifying cause, I don't understand what the endgame is here. Are pictures of Saint Dymphna popular enough to drive serious volume on a purely for-profit couture brand? I’ve never seen a brand so obviously soaked in Catholic imagery before, that makes absolutely no effort to explain how or why it’s Catholic.
CATHOLIC BALM CO.
Is the name an adorable pun? No. Feels like there was something you could have done with Gilead.
Their Whole Thing: There are so many Whole Things that are Theirs that I don’t even know where to begin. Basically, an RCIA teacher was trying to buy an ounce of unconsecrated chrism oil for a demo in his class, and because you can only buy chrism oil in three-gallon minimums, he funneled the remaining oil into a beard balm and sold it as a fundraiser at a 2014 youth ministry conference. He then parlayed that into additional online sales, and has expanded into a full skin and hair care online store. There are three main varieties of scented beard balms - one is chrism-scented, one is incense-scented, and one is “lectio” or scripture-scented (they made a balm that’s supposed to smell like paper).
According to CBC’s website, after the online sales took off:
“Not only had we found an effective way to financially support our ministry serving Catholic youth workers, but we started to hear incredible stories from men whose lives had been impacted by our Catholic beard balm. We send a daily blessing of the beard card with all of our beard balm orders, and just the act of having a daily ritual that was tied to prayer was a game changer for a lot of guys. We heard stories of marriages being saved. Stories of people coming back into relationship with Jesus after years away from him and the Church. Stories of incredible transformation.”
What?!?!?! What! A beard balm saved your marriage! Just listen to your wife when she’s talking and use “I” statements if you’re upset about something! Shit, man!
Most expensive item: The highest-priced gift set is the $100 “Full Hearts” bundle, which includes three limited edition beard balms named “Sacred Heart”, “Saint Joseph”, and “Immaculate Heart”, and I have no idea how any of those would smell. Also includes Sacred Heart and Saint Joseph lotion bars, and two triptych prayer cards. It is not currently in stock.
Least expensive item: For $5, you can get a 6-pack of “Holy Beards Prayer Cards” and learn to “pray like a bearded saint”.
Perfect for: A couple whose marriage is on the rocks due to the unprecedented stressors of the past two years, the ongoing decay of civic institutions, shaken faith due to structural failures in the Catholic church that have left lasting spiritual scars on the faithful, and our ongoing slow-motion societal and ecological collapse, but who could probably turn it around if the guy got his beard game on point.
Do They Support Any Horrifying Causes? Difficult to know for sure since parts of their website don’t appear to be fully up and running yet, but they do apparently have plans to launch a “Beard Virtues Podcast”, so yes.
Look. We’re all suffering under capitalism, and I suppose it’s hard to begrudge someone for starting their own business because they think they may have landed on a good idea. These people aren’t actively destroying the church or the world like some other folks that I’ve looked at, but I do wish their ideas were a little less weird, or less needlessly complex, or at least had better puns for the company names. For more on this, of course, please catch my upcoming appearance on “Beard Virtues Podcast”.
Grift of the Holy Spirit is a series by Tony Ginocchio detailing stories of the weirdest, dumbest, and saddest members of the Catholic church. You can subscribe via Substack to get notified of new installments.