Parable of the Talent Show
Step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch - AGAIN!
“Bad news, everyone,” [REDACTED 1] said at the Monday meeting. “The Catholic church is out of money and is going to go under. There have been too many lawsuits and too many settlements, and we just don't have the money to be a church anymore.”
“Oh no!” replied [REDACTED 2]. “But we've given our lives and careers to this church! So many people find comfort in the sacraments and relief in our charitable works!”
“I know,” said [REDACTED 1]. “That's why I have a plan to raise the money we need. At the end of October of this year, this group? In this room right now? We're going to put on the greatest talent show the Vatican has ever seen. We've got to start work on it today if we're to have any hope of saving the Catholic church.”
“But, [REDACTED 1],” said [REDACTED 2], “how will we have time to put together a surprise talent show? After all, we're the members of Synod Study Group 5, charged with researching and exploring theological and canonical matters regarding specific ministerial forms, a purview which notably includes theological and pastoral research on the access of women to the diaconate! We can't possibly put together a talent show while we're doing all of that!”
“We've got to,” said [REDACTED 1], “and the talent show has to be a priority. I don't want any attention on Synod Study Group 5 while we're putting together this talent show in secret. No updates, no press releases, I don't even want anyone to know the membership of this group. In order for the talent show to have maximum impact, it needs to be a surprise.”
“But they'll ask us to share an update at the October meeting!” objected [REDACTED 2].
“We're going to have to give them the cold shoulder this time, we'll be in the middle of rehearsals,” said [REDACTED 1]. “Might piss some people off, but it will all be worth it in the end. There's no time to waste, let's get started.”
“Are you sure this is the right place?” [REDACTED 3] asked. The apartment building on the outskirts of Rome looked so dilapidated, there was no way that the mean they were looking for could live here.
“It is,” responded [REDACTED 4]. “Apparently he used to have a much nicer place in the Vatican but it didn’t work out?”
“Do we have to do this?” asked [REDACTED 3]. “I’ve just heard…so much about this guy. He kind of scares me, to be honest.”
“If we want to put on the greatest talent show the Vatican has ever seen,” [REDACTED 4] said with grim determination, “we’re going to need him. He’s the most talented standup comedian in the history of the church hierarchy. Top marks at Groundlings, iO, Second City, UCB, took all of the classes concurrently. Like a mad savant. He’s our closer, a pure comedic genius, student of the craft, renowned for his quick wit and unconventional views. The church does not get saved without new material from him.”
[REDACTED 3] took a deep breath, stepped forward, and knocked on the door for unit 3B. It swung open immediately, and the man on the other side bore a wicked grin.
“Heard you guys might need my help,” said Raymond Cardinal Burke.
“Step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch - AGAIN! Step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch - AGAIN!” shouted [REDACTED 1] as the dancers sweated through rehearsals.
“[REDACTED 1]! [REDACTED 1]! We have a problem!” [REDACTED 2] “The Pope keeps using homophobic slurs to describe seminary students! It’s happened twice, we need to do damage control!”
[REDACTED 1] spun on his heel. “[REDACTED 2], we’ve talked about this, don’t EVER interrupt me in the middle of rehearsal!” [REDACTED 1] struck [REDACTED 2] with the back of his fist, sending him spiraling to the floor. “You think I have TIME for this? When the future of the one, holy, Catholic, and apostolic church depends on us putting on the greatest talent show that the Vatican has ever seen?”
“We need to say something!” [REDACTED 2] spit out through tears.
“Tell them the Pope doesn’t speak Italian that well,” grumbled [REDACTED 1], turning back to the stage. “I DIDN’T SAY TO STOP DANCING,” he shouted at the performers.
“Nobody…nobody is going to believe that! It’s a completely idiotic excuse for what happened that anyone could see through from a mile away!” said [REDACTED 2], staggering back to his feet.
“They’ll understand soon enough…” muttered [REDACTED 1]. “AGAIN!” he shouted at the dancers.
“Don’t we need to publish an update on what the Study Group has been doing?”
[REDACTED 1] looked behind him. He had been staring at his bulletin board for what felt like hours, re-arranging the index cards in every possible configuration, trying to figure out the best order of acts for the greatest talent show the Vatican has ever seen. [REDACTED 4] was knocking on his doorframe.
“What time is it?” asked [REDACTED 1].
“It’s two-thirty in the morning.”
“Two-thirty? No…but that’s been…” [REDACTED 1] ran his hand over the stubble on his face. “What am I going to do about this show, [REDACTED 4]? The dancers for “Apple” just aren’t ready yet, so I can’t move them to the second half of the show. I have Cardinal Prevost and his ventriloquist dummy as the second-to-last act, I can’t keep him there.” He started breathing more quickly. “What am I going to do?”
“The Holy Father needs a report on our Study Group, sir.”
“What are you talking about?” snapped [REDACTED 1]. “The talent show is a secret, you know that, it’s the only way we can save the Catholic church.”
“Right, but they…they’re asking about the things that the Study Group was supposed to be doing, sir. Every other group has started putting out preliminary statements. I mean, we haven’t even released our roster of members yet-”
“Do you think I have time to worry about this?” [REDACTED 1] snarled. “Do you think I had time to put together a list of people in the study group, when I’ve been trying to put together the kind of talent show that hasn’t been seen in a generation?”
“It’s just, if we don’t act, if we don’t put anything out,” stammered [REDACTED 4], “people are going to read into that. They’re going to assume that the Vatican just doesn’t care about the vocations of women in the church, and is just trying to shut down any discussion-”
“How could they think that?” [REDACTED 1] shot back. “How could they possibly think that? Nobody thinks the Vatican would set up a study group, never publish the report, set up a second study group, never publish the report, and then set up a third study group that would never publish anything or even disclose who the members were and appear to be miles behind the other nine Synod study groups, all for a topic that the Vatican considered closed. That would be a completely inscrutable and borderline-insane way to handle that issue, one that would make any reasonable observer seriously question the baseline competence of the leadership at the Dicastery for the Doctrine of the Faith. They’ll just assume we’re hard at work, and we are hard at work, [REDACTED 4], but what they don’t know is that we’re hard at work on saving the church from near-certain collapse.”
“So, we don’t…”
“NOTHING comes out of this Study Group! Not until the curtain has fallen on the talent show!” shouted [REDACTED 1]. “No press, no interviews, no report, NOTHING!” He turned back to his bulletin board. “I think we have to cut Cantalamessa, nobody’s going to be able to see close-up magic in Saint Peter’s Square.”
[REDACTED 2] was about to walk into the auditorium to check on rehearsals, but stopped himself. He heard faint crying. He turned, followed the sound, and found one of the dancers from the “Apple” routine, sitting against the hallway wall and sobbing.
“What’s going on?” asked [REDACTED 2]. “Are you okay? What happened?”
“It’s…it’s nothing,” the dancer said quickly. She took a deep breath.
“It’s [REDACTED 1], isn’t it?” asked [REDACTED 2]. “I’ve been telling him that this is starting to get out of hand.”
“He just…he said I don’t have what it takes, that I’m just not called to be a dancer.” The tears started to come more quickly.
“Hey. Hey, look at me,” said [REDACTED 2], crouching down to make eye contact. “There are women all over the church who think they won’t amount to anything, largely because we tell them that that they won’t amount to anything. But you’re different. You’re going to be part of the greatest talent show the Vatican has ever seen. We’ve already sacrificed so much to get here. We’ve done months of work putting this show together, when we could have been doing literally anything to make it seem like Study Group 5 was an actual group doing actual work on probably the most closely watched topic at the Synod, and we’re not giving up now. Now get up,” [REDACTED 2] said, “we’ve got a church to save.”
The dancer took a deep breath and rose to her feet. “I think the other thing that makes it hard for me is that I find so much comfort in Cardinal Burke’s blog posts, but he hasn’t written anything in a while. Do you know why that is?”
[REDACTED 2] gave a wry smile. “Let’s just say he’s been busy working on something big.”
“There’s a meeting coming up on Thursday, we need to do something.”
[REDACTED 1] was not the same man he had been when planning had started for the greatest talent show the Vatican has ever seen. He was harried, gaunt, wild-eyed. “What?”
“The Synod,” said [REDACTED 3]. “Each of the Study Groups is going to oversee a breakout session to update the Synod members on the progress we’ve made so far. Everyone is looking to us, we’re probably going to have a hundred people at the Study Group 5 session.”
[REDACTED 1] could barely put a thought together. “What, we can’t…just don’t have the meeting.”
“We have to have the meeting. It’s on the schedule, people are expecting it. Press is going to be asking people what happened there.”
“But…but all I’ve been working on is this show,” said [REDACTED 1]. “If this show doesn’t come together, if we can’t raise the money to save the Catholic church…I mean, our insurance has already shut us out…”
“We need to do something, sir,” [REDACTED 3] persisted. “They’re going to know something is up if nothing happens at the meeting. Imagine how outraged everyone will be. Imagine how stupid we’ll look in the press.”
“Just…” [REDACTED 1] stammered, “just send two of the office grunts and have them tell everyone to email us ideas.”
“What?” asked [REDACTED 3]. “How is that a plan?”
“It’ll work, trust me,” [REDACTED 1] muttered, as if reassuring himself more than answering [REDACTED 3].
“There’s no way that can-”
“IT’LL WORK!” screamed [REDACTED 1], sweeping everything off of his desk in rage. “DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WORRY ABOUT WOMEN DEACONS? IF WE CAN’T GET THIS DANCE ROUTINE TOGETHER, IF PREVOST SHITS THE BED ON HIS VENTRILOQUISM ROUTINE AGAIN, THE HOLY MOTHER CHURCH HAS ENDED! THESE COULD BE THE FINAL DAYS OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH, I HAVE A SHOW TO PRODUCE, AND YOU’RE ASKING ME TO PUT TOGETHER A BREAKOUT SESSION!”
“Sir, we don’t even know if the show can raise enough, if it will even wor-”
“OF COURSE IT WILL WORK,” shouted [REDACTED 1], “OR MY NAME ISN’T CARDINAL VICTOR MANUEL “TUCHO” FERNANDEZ THE CURRENT PREFECT OF THE DICASTERY FOR THE DOCTRINE OF THE FAITH.”
The show was a week away, but, incredibly - perhaps we should say by the grace of God? - the routines were starting to come together. The show was starting to flow. And [REDACTED 1] and his team were starting to think that maybe, just maybe, they could save the Catholic church.
“Time for the secret weapon?” asked [REDACTED 3]. [REDACTED 1] nodded.
“All right!” said [REDACTED 3], jumping onto the rehearsal stage. “Guys, we’ve got a treat for you today. We really appreciate all of the work you’ve been putting into this, I know this is going to be the greatest talent show the Vatican has ever seen. I think now is a good time,” he said with a grin, “to give you a little sneak peak of our closer, huh?” The other performers started clapping and muttering excitedly to themselves. “So with that, please welcome the comedic stylings of…” and before he could say “Raymond Cardinal Burke,” the performers erupted in cheers. They knew it was him. Who else could close out the show? Of course it would be Burke who came back to save the church with his brilliant comedy stylings.
“Thank you, thank you!” said Burke, holding up a hand to calm the crowd. They silenced themselves immediately, an orchestra already locked in to their maestro. “So, here’s a question for you,” Burke wound up, “what the fuck is with the voice of the GPS guy?”
There was silence.
“The voice of the GPS guy?” Burke repeated, with just a hint of nerves in his voice. “I mean…what the fuck is with that?”
In the back of the auditorium, [REDACTED 1] stared wide-eyed at the stage and said, under his breath, involuntarily, “oh no”.