Let's check in with the G.O.T.H.S. during this pandemic
You have to admit you're curious
TOM MONAGHAN
Ave Maria University has now moved fully to online instruction, as most universities have at this point. Here’s current university president Christopher Ice after the live-streamed Annunciation Mass:
"As we began this 33-Day Marian Consecration on February 21, I had no idea the challenges that would lie ahead of us. I don’t believe it was fortuitous, I believe is was inspired. The Ave Maria University community prayed this consecration asking for Our Lady’s intercession and protection and the Holy Spirit’s wisdom. I can assure you that these prayers from our faithful community have given us calm in the midst of the storm. Your prayers have helped guide us through the turmoil so far.”
Honestly, it’s good to see this, especially in light of things like Liberty University going back to class in defiance of state government orders and endangering their students and community. Keep the student body apart and pray for calm? I’m fine with that, and in a way I’m more impressed that AMU has closed down, given how hard it is for them to stay open even in normal times.
Meanwhile, Dominos’ business is surging along with most other delivery-based businesses. A story about an alleged walkout over sick leave pay at one of the California franchises briefly went viral on Twitter and Reddit, but it’s hard to find evidence that it actually happened.
Pandemic grade: C, unless the Dominos walkout was real, in which case A+
RICK HEILMAN
Amazingly, Fr. Heilman has exceeded all of my expectations by actually taking appropriate social distancing measures at his parish. All public Masses are suspended, and private Masses are live-streamed twice a day. Heilman is no stranger to posting, of course, so live-streaming is no big deal for him. He is also providing updates on when you can stop by the rectory for confession (he’ll stand 6 feet away if you like), and keeps holy water, scapulars, and blessed salt in baskets on his front porch like a Catholic who doesn’t want any trick-or-treaters. Unfortunately, he ends his long list of social distancing precautions by encouraging parishoners to enrich themselves spiritually by reading his shitty website:
“Inspired by St. Maximilian Kolbe, Fr. Heilman has, for many years, committed himself to the use of new media to teach and inspire, in the face of so much “anti-God, anti-truth propaganda” in our times. You can find Fr. Heilman’s teaching website at romancatholicman.com…Fr. Heilman has, also, dedicated himself to “Spiritual Warfare.” What is needed now, more than ever, is to grow an army that is strong in the Lord and in his mighty power (Eph. 6:10). With this greatest of needs in mind, Fr. Heilman launched a new branch of the United States Armed Forces: The United States Grace Force (USGF). The US Grace Force has nearly 60,000 enlisted. For more information, go to Fr. Heilman’s USGF website at usgraceforce.com”
This guy just can’t turn it off.
Pandemic grade: B, as in “Blease don’t plug your alt-right blog on your parish website.”
RANDALL TERRY
Randall Terry has died of COVID-19.
Just kidding, he’s alive and still doing whatever this is on his Voice of Resistance show:
223 views? Come on, man, I did standup in college that got more eyeballs than that. Anyways, Terry is doing your run-of-the-mill evangelical end-of-days shit, because he’s actually an evangelical that tried to convert to Catholicism to get more sources of fundraising and has failed in almost every respect. But guess who has a new album coming soon!
Pandemic grade: F, but I will bump that to a D-minus if you send me a free copy of the album.
TAYLOR MARSHALL
Why are all of them like this:
And why is Marshall wearing glasses now? Does he think that makes him look smarter? Also of note, Marshall scored that interview a ways back with that guy who threw a Visitation statue into the Tiber river, well that dude ended up with COVID, although he seems to have recovered. Oh well.
Pandemic grade: Why did lightning strike the cathedral in Fort Worth the night that the first COVID-19 case was confirmed? Did Taylor Marshall betray his viewers by misleading them about the Wuhan virus? We have Tim Gordon on to discuss the original Fatima prophecies and how they tie to the just kidding it’s an F.
SOHRAB AHMARI
Ahmari’s only putting out like one column every eight weeks at the New York Post now, I’m not sure what else he does besides complain about people on Twitter calling him Sohrab Calamari. He does, however, understand that quarantine is hard for everyone: “Politics aside, there is the cabin fever — especially for one accustomed to going from work to this cocktail hour to that book launch and so on.” Ugh shut the fuck up. The rest of his column is upbraiding the mainstream media for being too critical toward Trump, the dude who thinks we’re going to reopen the country and pack churches for Easter, counter to anyone with any sort of knowledge about how infectious diseases actually work.
Pandemic grade: F, and once again shut the fuck up.
MICHAEL VORIS
Oh boy, where to begin. I guess the most egregious thing I can find on the front page of Church Militant is the 3/26 story titled “Bishops Closing Parish Doors”, which insists on calling the novel coronavirus only by the name “The Wuhan Virus”, and lambasting any priest who suspends public celebration of the sacraments just for some pussy reason like trying to prevent thousands of unnecessary deaths. The piece also alleges that these liberal PROBABLY GAY bishops are also cracking down on any private celebrations of the sacraments (they aren’t), and priases the ones that, to Voris, are doing it right:
“Rather than barring the faithful from Churches and the sacrament of confession, Bp. Joseph Strickland of Tyler, Texas, has asked his priests to conduct eucharistic processions to implore God to end the scourge of the Wuhan virus. On March 21 he said in a tweet, “I plan to stand at the busiest intersection in our city this evening with a deacon, vested in a cope & bless the people of God with the Real Presence of Our Lord Jesus Christ in His Blessed Sacrament. I urge every priest to do the same in their city. Bring the LORD to His people!”
Don’t, uh, don’t do this.
Pandemic grade: F. Come on, you knew Voris was getting an F.