LEAKED EMAIL: Hallow's search for a new advertising partner
A striking look at the inner workings of Catholicism's fastest-growing app
“For Hallow to enter a commercial relationship with Brand with the investigation into allegations of sexual assault still ongoing smacks of poor taste, bad judgement, and a scant regard of the feelings of victims. The Catholic community is often, and rightly, accused of minimizing the cries for justice from victims of sexual assault. Surely many would find it troubling for a Catholic media outlet to engage a former comedian turned conspiracy theorist to promote their app while he is under investigation for rape. It sends a particularly callous message to victims of sexual assault: Catholic culture still doesn’t care about rape, and we don’t care about you.”
-Sara Scarlett Wilson in this very good piece
FROM: McHallow, Jonathan <bigdog11@hallow.biz>
TO: [marketing listserv]
SUBJ: Update on advertising partner
I'm sorry to inform the team that Louis CK has turned down our offer to partner with us on our next advertising campaign. I know we were all excited for the potential of a contract with CK: a man who had grown up in the Catholic church, who has been hailed as a groundbreaking stand-up comedian from around 2006 until 2017 when the praise stopped very abruptly, who was a solid supporting actor in David O. Russell's American Hustle, and whose “edgy” brand of observations promised to bring our prayer app to a younger and more engaged demo. Unfortunately, CK cited his current touring commitments and did not believe he would be able to devote the necessary time to this partnership.
This will obviously come as a blow after previously getting turned down by our previous “dream candidate”, legendary stand-up comedian Bill Cosby. Despite his close ties to the Catholic church - his wife Camille is a graduate of the revered Saint Frances Academy in Baltimore and endowed the school's Bill and Camille Cosby Community Center, which was suddenly renamed in 2018 - Cosby cited his advanced age in his decision not to join what promised to be an aggressive and high-activity marketing campaign.
I am still getting questions on why the contract also fell through with two-time Academy Award winner Kevin Spacey, and to clear the air: while Mr. Spacey was very excited by the opportunity we presented to publicly endorse the Hallow app and help us reach the next generation of digital oblates, we learned recently that he, unfortunately, suffers from same-sex attraction. Obviously, we want to avoid hiring a spokesman who is at odds with the magisterial teachings of the church, and while both parties were very excited for this opportunity, we mutually agreed to part ways. Mr. Spacey referred us to universally acclaimed actor-director Woody Allen, but our research team, after several weeks of digging, came to the conclusion that Mr. Allen was not, in fact, a practicing Catholic.
To keep getting declined by actors and comedians, of course, is disheartening, especially after our recent brand pivot. As you all remember, before moving into the comedy world, we had collectively made the decision to expand the brand footprint into Europe, and into a new and more affluent listener base by pursuing a deal with Italian-American celebrity chef Mario Batali. Sadly, the complexities of referring to Mr. Batali as a “chef” proved to be more than our legal team wanted to tackle, as it turns out that Mr. Batali deliberately, fully, and unusually quickly, divested from all of his restaurant holdings in 2019.
The Batali attempt was, in turn, a response to our repeated failures to secure a high-profile clergyman for our partnership. We explored many different options, all of which fell apart. His Eminence Theodore McCarrick is over ninety years old and unable to reliably read ad copy. Roger Mahony's asking fee was too high. Frank Pavone's phone appears to have been disconnected. Archbishop Weakland is far too liberal for our core listener base and - I was shocked to learn this - he has apparently been dead for over a year. All of them would have made great partners in other circumstances, but these obstacles kept surfacing.
I am, however, thrilled to announce that we have come through with a new contract, with our new “brand” partner (pun intended!) Russell Brand, a prolific podcaster, YouTuber, and voice of Dr. Nefario in the Despicable Me film series. While Brand is not a practicing Catholic, he is clearly and openly still searching on his faith journey, and has formed a close friendship with our partner Fr. Mike Schmitz, a man whom we all know is very discerning when it comes to his taste in entertainment. Mr. Brand actually approached us, explaining that in recent months he had started looking for new directions in which to take his show and new audiences with which to rebuild his listenership.
It's a surprising choice, to be sure. We're already getting questions as to why we've been running repeated ads on his show and what kind of listeners, exactly, we are trying to attract. People will ask us pointed questions like “what is this?”, or “is this really the best that you can do?” And the answer, of course, is yes. We tried to get McCarrick, Pavone, Mahoney, Weakland, Batali, Spacey, Allen, Cosby, and CK first. But none of them worked out. So we're going with this.