How to Vote if You're Catholic But Also a Huge Fucking Idiot

The only voter guide Catholics need this year, assuming that those Catholics are also huge fucking idiots

While I’ve already published The Hater’s Guide to Forming Consciences for Faithful Citizenship, I do think it’s worth, immediately before the election and likely after you’ve already voted, checking out some of the other voting advice, in the form of voting guidance from our favorite rightwing websites, being dished out to Catholics who are huge fucking idiots.

“PRUDENTIAL VOTING IN BAD TIMES”, FIRST THINGS

First Things, the aspiring theocrat's guide to the 'Live Mas' lifestyle, ran “Prudential Voting in Bad Times” by longtime conservative Catholic commentator George Weigel on 10/28. And while times are certainly bad, Weigel emphasizes that:

“I am not a doomist. There are reservoirs of goodness in the American people—including a sense of mutual obligation I’ve witnessed many times during the pandemic. There are powerful sources of national renewal to be found in an honest telling of the American story and in the moral commitments and political ideas of the founders and framers (read Washington’s Farewell Address for a glowing example). At the moment, however, those sources of renewal are not being effectively deployed. Why?”

Weigel is correct that there are instances of compassion and service to be found during the pandemic, although he neglected to point out that the magazine in which he’s writing, at the start of the pandemic, was explicitly opposed to anything resembling compassion and service and was instead fully in thrall to the death cult of pandemic capitalism. But let’s put that aside, Weigel is also correct that “sources of national renewal are not being effectively deployed”. Why is that? Is it because of the white supremacist president who is trying to undermine faith in the electoral process so he can maintain minority rule? Is it because of our barbaric health care system leaving thousands to die or go bankrupt? Is it because of the continued extrajudicial state executions of people of color, by a deeply diseased policing system? Is it because of the militiamen trying to kidnap the governor of Michigan? Is it because of the politicization of public health measures in the name of capital? Of course not. It’s beacuse of campus cancel culture and Colin Kaepernick. This is how Weigel starts answering the ‘Why?’ he just asked: “Because academic leaders have been cowed by cancel culture totalitarians who take their stage cues from Stalin and Mao Zedong. Because too much of corporate America, including virtually the entire sports-and-entertainment complex, has not only surrendered to political correctness but actively promotes it.”

While First Things may have a fancier vocabulary than other conservative publications, there’s no meaningful daylight between them and your Tucker Carlson types, in terms of subject matter and Mao references. As Weigel continues, he asks:

“What is the thoughtful Catholic voter, who understands that the Church’s social doctrine cannot be confined in any partisan box, to do in this election cycle?...There are two deeply flawed candidates for president, either of whose election portends more trouble. America needs time to renew itself by creating a more sober, rational, and decent public square.”

Okay, here we go, here are the voting recommendations, how do we get to the rational and decent public square, how is Weigel going to vote?

“That renewal will be more difficult if the Democratic party wins the presidency, the U.S. Senate, and the U.S. House of Representatives—and is thus able to enforce the agenda of lifestyle libertinism and intolerant “tolerance” to which its platform commits it, especially in matters of the sanctity of life and the conscience rights of believers. As the House will certainly have a Democratic majority in 2021-2022, prudence dictates maintaining a Republican Senate, irrespective of who is elected president. There are moments when a unified federal government is essential. This is not one of them.”

Perhaps this would feel less idiotic if we currently did not have a divided government, but we do. It’s why the bottom is falling out and there has been no meaningful pandemic relief. It’s why there aren’t any nationwide mitigation measures for the virus, leaving a patchwork of heavily politicized state-level measures that are resulting in thousands of needless deaths. Weigel - whose voting guide I guess is just pitched to like seven specific states? - is voting for no bills to pass, at all, for at least two years, for potential shutdowns of the federal government, and for vacancies on the federal courts to stay vacant if Biden is elected. This is because George Weigel is Catholic and also a huge fucking idiot.

“WHAT SHOULD I KNOW AS A CATHOLIC VOTER?”, LIFESITENEWS

LifeSiteNews, Canada’s leading Catholic outpost for just making shit up and putting it on the Internet, is still, for reasons that probably don’t go beyond “ad revenue”, very invested in American politics. Let’s see what they call out as the top three issues facings voters: you probably already guessed ‘abortion’ and ‘religious freedom’, but did you guess ‘getting more Knights of Columbus as federal judges’? You probably didn’t, because you’re probably not a huge fucking idiot.

That whole thing about the USCCB calling abortion the ‘preeminent issue’ in this election is technically true, but also elides the fact that the Pope encouraged them not to do that, and the main bishop who pushed for keeping this restrictive view of voting is an asshole and a racist. Of course, LifeSiteNews' official editorial view for at least the past two years has been that the Pope is actually fake, Communist Masons are secretly running the church, and Planned Parenthood is really a child sex trafficking ring run by the Clinton family, so I'm not surprised that they're leaving stuff out that anybody can look up in five minutes.

The rest of the voter guide PDF is somewhat unremarkable; it includes quotes from Donald Trump on how much he is opposed to abortion and has a bullet point stating that “President Trump recently promised to protect the Catholic church and has defended and supported Catholics who have been attacked for their faith.” The hyperlink on “Catholics who have been attacked for their faith” does not appear to lead to any stories about forced hysterectomies being performed in ICE camps or rosaries being confiscated from immigrants at the border; instead, it leads to a story about Amy Coney Barrett, a Catholic who has endured so much brutal persecution for her faith that she sailed through her Supreme Court confirmation hearings after almost four whole years as a judge, and is now one of the literal most powerful people in the country along with five other people who practice the same faith.

The final bullet point on the LSN voter guide is that “President Trump has promised to provide school choice to every parent in America”. I have no fucking idea how this became a preeminent life issue (LSN is not the only Catholic outlet that has this view), other than partisan shittiness or LSN editor John-Henry Westen being a huge fucking idiot.

“[FREE] 2020 CATHOLIC VOTERS GUIDE”, CHURCH MILITANT

I have to give Michael Voris my email address to get his voter guide sent to me and I’m not going to do that, I actually do have a line I’m not willing to cross. So instead I’ll just share this screenshot on their front page about the ‘Blacks for Trump’ demographic, because hey look Alan Keyes is there! He looks like he just ate fourteen of those silica gel packets that come in the box when you buy a pair of shoes.

“THE USCCB ARE STOOGES FOR THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY” AND “ARCHBISHOP VIGANO’S OPEN LETTER TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA”, THE REMNANT

Let me start off by saying I have at least two problems with the stories running in The Remnant’s sidebar:

The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, an organization that is very openly supportive of Republican politicians and opposed to Democratic ones, gets called out here for being "Stooges for the Democratic Party". I don’t even know where to start with this piece, written at a time when bishops are endorsing videos titled “You Cannot Be A Catholic and a Democrat. Period.” and sitting in on Trump campaign calls, and speaking at events to honor Bill Barr, and criticizing Joe Biden as Catholic “in name only”. It is utterly baffling to me that anyone paying attention to American church politics would think that the church has any sort of bias or tilt to the Democratic party. As Paul Krause writes:

“The USCCB is the convenient holy water for the Democratic Party and its “Catholic Democratic” voice. From immigration to welfare, to multiculturalism and human rights, there is almost no distinguishing feature of the USCCB from the Democratic Party bullhorn and as the election swings into full gear, we will undoubtedly hear, ad nauseum, how good Catholics must support the party of infanticide, sodomy, and atheism because, to quote a certain bishop [John Stowe of Lexington, KY], “Trump is so anti-life.””

While people have made this critique of Trump, I really don’t think the majority, or even a plurality, or really even more than half a dozen bishops in the country’s 197 diocese have actually done this. Where the fuck is this coming from?

“As the 2020 election cycle reaches full gale, we will likely hear from bishops and cardinals how we must support—whether directly stated or indirectly implied—the party that negates God’s law, wants to establish a shrine to Moloch, and dances with the Devil in the name of “compassion.” But Christ instructs us to teach and baptize the nations and instructs the nations to align with His Church in worship and conformity to God and His moral law. When’s the last time the Catholic bishops of the United States proclaimed the very essence of the gospel?”

Not only does Krause write this (with no real citations or evidence to back up his claims), but one of the pictures in this piece is this utterly hilarious and obvious photoshop, credited to “Complicit Clergy”. What the fuck?!?! This isn’t even a good photoshop! Biden looks twelve feet tall!

Beyond this, The Remnant doesn’t have a formal voter guide per se, but they are also publishing every letter by twenty-first century schism man and huge fucking idiot Carlo Maria Vigano, including his most recent missive, addressed to Donald Trump, alleging that an evil plot called 'The Great Reset' is underway, funded by powerful [mouths the word 'Jew'] interests and ultimately geared towards mandatory vaccinations and health passports and social control, and that the Pope is one of the people behind it, and that Vigano is just so thankful that we have a president who will fight the Deep State for us. I lost interest in the letter midway through the first paragraph, so instead here’s a screenshot of the #resistfrancis merch being sold at The Remnant’s website, which I highly recommend if you're Catholic and also a huge fucking idiot:

"2020 VOTER GUIDE", EWTN

Maybe EWTN wasn't always shilling for the Republican party, but most of their news programming now consists of anchor Raymond "Simp Bizkit" Arroyo traveling to the White House to interview Trump and Pence about how beautiful and strong they are, and actively amplifying their misinformation (hydroxycholorquine cures COVID, mail-in ballots are always fraudulent, etc.) It's no surprise, then, that EWTN’s voter guide would be favorable to Trump and the Republican party, but the framing is interesting:

The fallacy of issues in Catholicism being “negotiable” or not aside, the idea that “dignity of human life” is somehow severable from “health care” or “war and peace” - but not “abortion policy”, which gets folded into the “non-negotiable” part of the document - is laughable. The idea that the dignity of human life is severable from “environmental policy” is less laughable than it is alarming, because without environmental policy, we’re looking at a future that does not include any human life.

After this infuriating setup, the voter guide then attempts to appear objective by comparing the party platforms on these issues (for the two major parties as well as the Libertarians, Greens, and American Solidarity Party). The problem, of course, is that there is no Republican party platform. I'm not saying that to make a point, I mean the RNC literally chose not to write a platform this year for the first presidential election cycle since the formation of the party in the 19th century, and instead just said "all of our 2016 priorities are still good and we love Donald Trump" (I'm lightly paraphrasing). Trump did outline his administration's second-term priorities in a second release, which didn't mention abortion at all. So EWTN isn't objectively comparing political platforms, they're comparing the Democratic platform to just being a fan of Donald Trump, and I think we can all guess where Raymond "Diary of a Simpy Kid" Arroyo is going to land.

Look, here's the thing: everybody knows what Donald Trump’s deal is at this point. If they’re telling you to vote for him because it’s the Catholic thing to do, they haven’t made some sort of mistake in their math, they haven’t missed any news stories about immigrants or violence or plague, they just don’t care, they want a guy they like to win, and they’re banking on you being a huge fucking idiot who ignores what’s happening right in front of you.

Here’s the other thing: I'm also a huge fucking idiot, just not this particular kind of huge fucking idiot. I'm not going to give you an objective and balanced way to assess the election in light of Catholicism, you know what G.O.T.H.S. is about. The message of this piece is not "I'm at least as smart as all of these guys", it's "all of these guys are, at most, as smart as I am". I'm not up on their level, they're down on mine, and if you see any of their voter guides floating around, maybe keep that in mind before you take them too seriously.