Jim Gaffigan’s opening remarks at the upcoming 2024 Al Smith dinner

This is far more exciting to me than the Synod.

As recently announced, popular comedian and Flight of the Conchords season two guest star Jim Gaffigan will be emceeing the 79th annual Al Smith dinner, a white-tie, $5k-a-plate fundraiser for the Archdiocese of New York’s charities, and traditionally the final joint appearance of both presidential candidates before election day. G.O.T.H.S. has obtained a copy of Gaffigan’s prepared remarks.

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[fake cheering voice as audience applauds] Yeahhhhhhh! Yeahhhhhhh!

[fake audience voice] “Oh finally, now we get to laugh. Politics is just so exhausting I just want to laugh about food. Oh and he’s doing the voice again, I love when he does the voice.”

It is great to be here at the Al Smith dinner, thank you all so much [audience applauds]. This is actually a pretty big deal for me, the last time I opened for anyone that was this important was almost ten years ago in Philadelphia, when I was the opener for the Pope! That was what we in ‘the biz’ call a “high-pressure situation”. I’m out there trying to make people laugh and they’re just like [lazy guy voice] ‘you suck, we’re not here to see you, bring out His Holiness!’ It’s not like other comics can give you advice on how they handled that situation when they had to work an audience that was there for the Pope.

One thing they did tell me for that show, was that I definitely had to work clean. Which, you know, wasn’t exactly a surprise. [boss voice] “Hey, Gaffigan, the pope doesn’t like blue material, lay off the f-bombs”. I was able to anticipate that note. And it turns out, we all learned this year, the Pope’s mouth is way filthier than mine!

[fake audience voice] “Oh, that’s very mean, that was an accident the time he said it, and then the other time he said it.”

It’s interesting, you know, somebody actually asked the Pope about this election on his plane, and the Pope basically said “I don’t know enough about the candidates, they all have problems, people sometimes have to vote for the lesser of two evils.” Do you think that’s just because he didn’t know about JD Vance? Isn’t JD Vance amazing? For the first time in American history, we have a Catholic candidate for high office that absolutely nobody likes.

[fake audience voice] “It’s true, even I don’t like him.”

JD Vance, if you need help ordering a donut [snickers]? I am happy to lend you my expertise. You know what, I actually kind of sympathize with you - when I’m in front of a glass case of donuts, I also feel my soul evacuate my body. If there’s more than one donut in front of me, everything I’ve learned about ‘talking to people’ or ‘acting normal’ over the past 58 years is gone. People make fun of JD Vance because his donut order was “whatever makes sense”. I get it! In that situation, “whatever makes sense” is “whatever puts a donut inside me”! In other situations for JD Vance, “whatever makes sense”, apparently, is “whatever starts a race war in Ohio!”

[fake audience voice] “Oh no, I didn’t want to think about politics.”

At least he didn't ask the woman at the donut store if she was a “childless cat lady”. Isn't that the worst? When you say something that comes off as insensitive, and then you say it forty more times, and every time it's recorded and widely distributed online? “JD Vance seems like he's mad at people who don't have kids”? Speaking as a father of five…I'm mad at people who don't have kids! Do you know that those people get to watch whatever TV shows they want? And when they're on the toilet, nobody bursts in trying to show them a dinosaur.

[fake audience voice] “It's true, it's really nice.”

If you're me, you get a little jealous of those people. And if you're JD Vance, apparently, you try to enslave them.

[fake audience voice] “That's pretty negative. What about that Tim Walz guy, are you gonna make fun of him?”

I can’t make fun of Tim Walz, that’s not a position I want to be in. I see another pale man who was born in a cornfield, I know that we need to protect each other at all costs. We’re basically twins. Not identical twins, I don’t want to insult the man!

I don’t actually have a lot of jokes about Donald Trump, I just don’t know him that well. I do know that Donald Trump and I clearly have one thing in common, and you can tell by looking at us: we both really love cake. Yeah, we’re both big fat guys. But wouldn’t you think, being a big fat guy, that you’d be a lot easier to shoot from a distance?

[fake audience voice] “That took a turn. I thought we were back on safe ground with cake.”

No, I’m sure Donald Trump is great. Did you know that back in September, he posted an image of Our Lady of Guadalupe with “Happy Birthday Mary!” That’s true! It was really nice, made me feel proud to be Catholic. Donald still hates Our Lady of Guadalupe, though, because he thinks she’s sneaking into the country to vote for Kamala. And, of course, he hates Kamala because she’s Black and he's an enormous racist. So as a Catholic voter, [dumb guy voice] I just have to weigh all of that, I guess. That makes it really tough to be a Catholic this year. It’s like stopping at a gas station and deciding whether to buy one of their burritos: [fat guy voice] “Well, I shouldn’t do this because it gives me diarrhea, but on the other hand it also tastes extremely bad and is trying to create a nationwide atmosphere of stochastic terrorism”. How can I decide?

I know, it is definitely tough to be a Catholic this year. Because of politics, yeah, but also because Notre Dame choked against [scoffing] Northern Illinois?! I didn’t even know there was a Northern Illinois, I thought that was just called ‘Wisconsin’!

[fake audience voice] “See, that’s a nice joke, everybody can laugh at Wisconsin.”

Now, it is very nice to be here, to get the invite from Cardinal Dolan, to get to be at this fancy dinner. I didn’t know you got to just have fancy dinners like this when you’re a Cardinal! I never went to seminary - maybe I would have if they advertised that up front. “What, are you going to major in sociology? Or do you want a job where you get to sit around in a robe and eat five thousand dollar surf and turf?” I kind of wish I could be a Cardinal now, but…I don’t think it’s gonna happen, mainly because of the five kids. When you’re up for a promotion to Cardinal, the Pope asks you “and how many kids do you have again?” That’s a trap. You’re supposed to say “zero”. If you say “five”, the Pope is just like [boss voice] “yeah bud, we’re gonna keep you where you are for right now”. You have to admit, I still do a great impression of the guy.

[fake audience voice] “He doesn’t sound like that at all. What if he’s here tonight?”

Cardinal Dolan and Donald have been friends for a long time, you know. And Donald keeps saying things that make people upset, and it always makes Cardinal Dolan look kind of dumb for being such a big fan of him. You have to wonder what it’s going to take for the Cardinal to actually do something about it, right? Like, I haven’t been to the dentist in about…let’s see, [mumbles] two, three, [quickly returns to full volume] fifteen years. And sure, I can’t use the left side of my mouth when I chew anymore because it hurts too much, but I’ll take care of it soon. I know where the line is, if things get really bad, I’ll just go right ahead and call the dentist.. It used to be “if my tooth hurts for more than a day, I’ll make a dentist appointment.” And then it was “if it feels like both sides of my mouth hurt, I’ll make a dentist appointment.” And then it was “if I have trouble falling asleep because of shooting pains in my jaw, I’ll make a dentist appointment.”

[fake audience voice] “That’s why his mouth looks like that.”

I’m sure the Cardinal has a line, too; if things get really bad, he’ll say something to his friend. It’s just that the line is not “if he calls all Mexican people rapists, I’ll say something to him.”

That was nine years ago. Think of where the line has to be. “Well, if he says the troops are stupid, I’ll say something to him.” “Well, if he says the Nazis were good people, I’ll say something to him.” “Well, if he makes up something about immigrants eating pets, I’ll say something to him.” “Well, if he tries to overthrow the government, I’ll say something to him.” Four years from now, we’re all going to be at this dinner and the Cardinal will be thinking “okay, but if he burns a fourth cross, I’ll say something to him.” Thank you all for coming, [raises voice as audience starts applauding] we have a great evening planned for you, let’s bring up our next speaker!